Momma Guilt

Isn't Mom guilt the worst thing ever?! I had planned on this topic later on after more thought, prayer and "research" on it, but it has really been on my  mind and heart so I decided that meant I should share now!

So here are some instances in which this "guilt" I speak of creeps in for me.

1) When I have feelings that I need a "break"....
These come and go, mostly when Tommy has been out of town or really busy with work and/or when the weather or kids doesn't allow us to get out of the house much. I just want to go to Target and walk around with no purpose, I want to go to Barnes and Noble and read and write and play on my computer, I want to not have to make and clean up from three meals a day. I have these thoughts and then I get overwhelmed and start thinking things like:

               "It would be so much easier if E just weren't here for like 2 hours and I could  get the house cleaned or projects done more easily"
                guilt: HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT?! YOU LOVE HIM! WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT HIM HERE, THAT IS TERRIBLE TO SAY/THINK!
               "It will be nice when M isn't nursing so it doesn't dictate our schedule"
                guilt: YOU WANT TO WISH  AWAY THE NEXT SIX MONTHS?! YOU LOVE NURSING AND CHOSE THAT, IT ISN'T HER FAULT!

Then in creeps the guilt...why would I think these things....this is what I chose, this is my responsibility as a mother and a wife, I should feel blessed to have these awesome blessings and the opportunity to be able to stay home with them.... then the justification ... Duh, I am thankful for that, I just need a break sometimes, don't we all?! CALM DOWN MIRANDA;).

2) When I take that "break" and its effects on both my kids and my husband...

So, I finally do it, I decide to get out without the kids. I am thoroughly enjoying myself, slowly walking through aisles, sitting and reading for as long as I want, etc. Then...
     guilt:   "Tommy is home with both of them, by himself. I should probably get home."
     justificiation: He is their dad, he is nearly 30 and can definitely handle it. If not, he can figure out what he needs to do!
     guilt:    "Ethan probably isn't eating the same thing he would if I were there."
    justificiation: He will live:) and his habits will not be gone with one meal!
     guilt: It's late and I have been gone for xx hours.
    justificiation: The kids are in bed and Tommy is loving watching SportsCenter without you nagging him! What does it  matter?!

You get the point;)

3) When I enjoy myself when I am away....

Mostly I just plain feel guilty. Like it makes me a horrible mother that I am enjoying myself because i am FINALLY alone. I don't think it takes much rational thinking or explanation to realize that this does not, in fact, make me a horrible mother! It means that for 25 years I could do all of those things freely and it is nice (and important) to get (and take) that opportunity...nothing to be guilty about...silly Miranda!

4) When I see other kids behaving well or speaking better or doing more...am I enough? do I do enough?

Obviously this is a follow-up on the perfectionist thing. I constantly feel guilty that I am not doing enough to make E a better kid and begin to wonder.

Do I do too many things "for me" during the day? Almost your entire day is devoted to the kids and you stop what you're doing if it seems either of them needs attention. It is also important for them to learn independence at times.
Should I give more attention to him and to M? 1: see above; 2: most kids are at a sitter or daycare and share attention and they turn out GREAT!
Does he watch too much tv? He watches 1.5 hours tops of tv a day, most times less. The shows are educational and you interact with him during the shows.
Do I not talk with him enough that he is not talking in sentences more? He says and does new things every day, he likes to learn and has a good attention span. Wait, were you afraid that YOU, MIRANDA PERAZZO doesn't talk enough...c'mon?!

...guilt, guilt, guilt....silliness is what it is..
5) When I just want to relax during the day...not get dressed, clean up, cook meals, etc. (more to come on this!)

Really I just feel guilty that I have these feelings, nothing to deep to evaluate; just a reality.
Sometimes it is literally a minute to minute battle for me to fight the feelings I have about this guilt and justification and the round-about thinking that ensues and makes me doubt everything about which other days I have total and utter confidence!

My battle right now is to let God prevail. I struggle to realize and remember these feelings are not a coincidence...Satan wants to get his hold on me! I am not and cannot be perfect (see post (mperfect Perfectionsit) ;however, to God, it is perfect if I am seeking to live a Christ-like life, I am repentant of my sins, and I am telling others about Jesus. Thus, I will continue to battle Satan and these guilty thoughts because the reality is that I want to please God above all else (yes....even my husband, my children, and those evil societal standards and judgements for mothers and stay at home moms!).
Please pray for me and with me that I, and ALL MOMS, will release this ugly momma guilt and trust that it is okay to have these feelings and take this time because in the end it will likely make you an even better mom and most certainly a better servant of the Almighty! What a "momma moment"! ;)

Coming soon.... (please hold me accountable!)
My "vision" for Momma Moments
Everyday Update
Expectations: Excellent or Evil
Working Multiple "Jobs"