Isn't Mom guilt the worst thing ever?! I had planned on this topic later on after more thought, prayer and "research" on it, but it has really been on my mind and heart so I decided that meant I should share now!
So here are some instances in which this "guilt" I speak of creeps in for me.
1) When I have feelings that I need a "break"....
These come and go, mostly when Tommy has been out of town or really busy with work and/or when the weather or kids doesn't allow us to get out of the house much. I just want to go to Target and walk around with no purpose, I want to go to Barnes and Noble and read and write and play on my computer, I want to not have to make and clean up from three meals a day. I have these thoughts and then I get overwhelmed and start thinking things like:
"It would be so much easier if E just weren't here for like 2 hours and I could get the house cleaned or projects done more easily"
guilt: HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT?! YOU LOVE HIM! WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT HIM HERE, THAT IS TERRIBLE TO SAY/THINK!
"It will be nice when M isn't nursing so it doesn't dictate our schedule"
guilt: YOU WANT TO WISH AWAY THE NEXT SIX MONTHS?! YOU LOVE NURSING AND CHOSE THAT, IT ISN'T HER FAULT!
Then in creeps the guilt...why would I think these things....this is what I chose, this is my responsibility as a mother and a wife, I should feel blessed to have these awesome blessings and the opportunity to be able to stay home with them.... then the justification ... Duh, I am thankful for that, I just need a break sometimes, don't we all?! CALM DOWN MIRANDA;).
2) When I take that "break" and its effects on both my kids and my husband...
So, I finally do it, I decide to get out without the kids. I am thoroughly enjoying myself, slowly walking through aisles, sitting and reading for as long as I want, etc. Then...
guilt: "Tommy is home with both of them, by himself. I should probably get home."
justificiation: He is their dad, he is nearly 30 and can definitely handle it. If not, he can figure out what he needs to do!
guilt: "Ethan probably isn't eating the same thing he would if I were there."
justificiation: He will live:) and his habits will not be gone with one meal!
guilt: It's late and I have been gone for xx hours.
justificiation: The kids are in bed and Tommy is loving watching SportsCenter without you nagging him! What does it matter?!
You get the point;)
3) When I enjoy myself when I am away....
Mostly I just plain feel guilty. Like it makes me a horrible mother that I am enjoying myself because i am FINALLY alone. I don't think it takes much rational thinking or explanation to realize that this does not, in fact, make me a horrible mother! It means that for 25 years I could do all of those things freely and it is nice (and important) to get (and take) that opportunity...nothing to be guilty about...silly Miranda!
4) When I see other kids behaving well or speaking better or doing more...am I enough? do I do enough?
Obviously this is a follow-up on the perfectionist thing. I constantly feel guilty that I am not doing enough to make E a better kid and begin to wonder.
Do I do too many things "for me" during the day? Almost your entire day is devoted to the kids and you stop what you're doing if it seems either of them needs attention. It is also important for them to learn independence at times.
Should I give more attention to him and to M? 1: see above; 2: most kids are at a sitter or daycare and share attention and they turn out GREAT!
Does he watch too much tv? He watches 1.5 hours tops of tv a day, most times less. The shows are educational and you interact with him during the shows.
Do I not talk with him enough that he is not talking in sentences more? He says and does new things every day, he likes to learn and has a good attention span. Wait, were you afraid that YOU, MIRANDA PERAZZO doesn't talk enough...c'mon?!
...guilt, guilt, guilt....silliness is what it is..
5) When I just want to relax during the day...not get dressed, clean up, cook meals, etc. (more to come on this!)
Really I just feel guilty that I have these feelings, nothing to deep to evaluate; just a reality.
Sometimes it is literally a minute to minute battle for me to fight the feelings I have about this guilt and justification and the round-about thinking that ensues and makes me doubt everything about which other days I have total and utter confidence!
My battle right now is to let God prevail. I struggle to realize and remember these feelings are not a coincidence...Satan wants to get his hold on me! I am not and cannot be perfect (see post (mperfect Perfectionsit) ;however, to God, it is perfect if I am seeking to live a Christ-like life, I am repentant of my sins, and I am telling others about Jesus. Thus, I will continue to battle Satan and these guilty thoughts because the reality is that I want to please God above all else (yes....even my husband, my children, and those evil societal standards and judgements for mothers and stay at home moms!).
Please pray for me and with me that I, and ALL MOMS, will release this ugly momma guilt and trust that it is okay to have these feelings and take this time because in the end it will likely make you an even better mom and most certainly a better servant of the Almighty! What a "momma moment"! ;)
Coming soon.... (please hold me accountable!)
My "vision" for Momma Moments
Everyday Update
Expectations: Excellent or Evil
Working Multiple "Jobs"
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
New Job
Well amidst the new journey that is this blog, I add a new, well more official and more permanent (for now) vocation.
I am officialy a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM for the blogging world, i think ;) ). Anyway, I officially notified Napoleon Area Schools that I will not be returning in the fall.
So let's talk about this... NEVER EVER would I have told you that I would want to be a stay at home mom. That's crazy! I am a people person, I love to interact face-to-face, I get bored easily, etc. To be at home with only my kids all day?! NO WAY!....well now Yes way!
Don't get me wrong during this year's leave there have been ups and downs. Some ups: I love spending quality, non-distracted, non-stressful time with my children; I am pleased to be "teaching" my children through interacting and playing; I have appreciated and cherished focusing on my marriage and husband more. And the most important benefit has been focusing on my relationship with the Lord and finding a longing to serve.
As I felt all of those emotions over the past few months, along with many others I mean I am a woman! The downs: I struggled with feeling like I wasn't making a difference, like I had no significance or purpose. I tremendously miss students; I miss teaching them in many aspects, I miss bonding and joking and aiding and supporting and encouraging; I miss seeing the light bulb go on; I miss the triumphs and the hardships. I also miss my colleagues. I was just beginning to form some very good friendships and the district was headed in a really good direction, very student-focused. I still do miss and will miss all of these things as long as I am out of the classroom.
So how did I, along with my husband, make this decision? I prayed and prayed and prayed.
About two months ago Tommy basically asked me to stay home. With how much he travels and is gone, a lot of times last minute, he was concerned for my stress level and ability to balance everything. But the part that made me really think more was his sincere desire to have me home with our kids. He said look at where E is at, don't you want that for M, too. I never realized that was important to him. Before this conversation I was pretty certain I would go back.
So now that I was confused and hourly back and forth about the decision, I left it up to God.
Two things that really affected me were the bible verse Philippians 1:6 and the quote from the book The Christian Athiest where pastor Craig Groeschel says, "God's love for you is personal- it graces you with significance."
I prayed over this verse and this quote and found that although I LOVE teaching and miss being in the classroom. That is not where I should find my significance. I should find it in the Lord. Ultimately, THIS is what made my decision easy to stay home for now. The Lord has a plan for me and it may look different than i would have EVER imagined, but I am confident that he will complete his work in me.
I am excited for all he has in store for me. Right now I am feeling very led to serving moms: working moms, stay at home moms, new moms, seasoned moms, etc. My first step was starting this blog....now that I know I will be home on a more short-term permanent basis, my next step is a Mom's community. Please pray for me and if you have any questions or ideas please feel free to share.
I am excited for my new job and pray that I am daily serving God's purpose whatever it may be. Who doesn't want to be this wife described in Proverbs 31. May the Holy Spirit guide me down the path toward this woman, be it His will!
Proverbs 31:28-30
28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”
I am officialy a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM for the blogging world, i think ;) ). Anyway, I officially notified Napoleon Area Schools that I will not be returning in the fall.
So let's talk about this... NEVER EVER would I have told you that I would want to be a stay at home mom. That's crazy! I am a people person, I love to interact face-to-face, I get bored easily, etc. To be at home with only my kids all day?! NO WAY!....well now Yes way!
Don't get me wrong during this year's leave there have been ups and downs. Some ups: I love spending quality, non-distracted, non-stressful time with my children; I am pleased to be "teaching" my children through interacting and playing; I have appreciated and cherished focusing on my marriage and husband more. And the most important benefit has been focusing on my relationship with the Lord and finding a longing to serve.
As I felt all of those emotions over the past few months, along with many others I mean I am a woman! The downs: I struggled with feeling like I wasn't making a difference, like I had no significance or purpose. I tremendously miss students; I miss teaching them in many aspects, I miss bonding and joking and aiding and supporting and encouraging; I miss seeing the light bulb go on; I miss the triumphs and the hardships. I also miss my colleagues. I was just beginning to form some very good friendships and the district was headed in a really good direction, very student-focused. I still do miss and will miss all of these things as long as I am out of the classroom.
So how did I, along with my husband, make this decision? I prayed and prayed and prayed.
About two months ago Tommy basically asked me to stay home. With how much he travels and is gone, a lot of times last minute, he was concerned for my stress level and ability to balance everything. But the part that made me really think more was his sincere desire to have me home with our kids. He said look at where E is at, don't you want that for M, too. I never realized that was important to him. Before this conversation I was pretty certain I would go back.
So now that I was confused and hourly back and forth about the decision, I left it up to God.
Two things that really affected me were the bible verse Philippians 1:6 and the quote from the book The Christian Athiest where pastor Craig Groeschel says, "God's love for you is personal- it graces you with significance."
I prayed over this verse and this quote and found that although I LOVE teaching and miss being in the classroom. That is not where I should find my significance. I should find it in the Lord. Ultimately, THIS is what made my decision easy to stay home for now. The Lord has a plan for me and it may look different than i would have EVER imagined, but I am confident that he will complete his work in me.
I am excited for all he has in store for me. Right now I am feeling very led to serving moms: working moms, stay at home moms, new moms, seasoned moms, etc. My first step was starting this blog....now that I know I will be home on a more short-term permanent basis, my next step is a Mom's community. Please pray for me and if you have any questions or ideas please feel free to share.
I am excited for my new job and pray that I am daily serving God's purpose whatever it may be. Who doesn't want to be this wife described in Proverbs 31. May the Holy Spirit guide me down the path toward this woman, be it His will!
Proverbs 31:28-30
28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
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